Quarter Life Crisis Approaching

Welcome back, my 5 followers and random lurkers, I would like to offer you a unique chance to see the future of the past: me in 2016, reporting 2 years after me from 2014. I’m older, more stressed, more sleep deprived, more politically involved than ever (but don’t expect anything impressive), so it’s only logical I find another way to procrastinate (#tbt to 2012, when I started a Twitter account two weeks before matura – good times).

Soon I will be back in the US: East Coast & the South this time. You may ask: do I miss the United States, and I can only reply: I miss escaping. (“…” – yes.) Last year I realised that a life unplanned might be a life wasted, and I put myself on a trajectory toward the so-called adulthood: technical skills, employment prospects, relationships, taxes, cooking and changing the bag of my vacuum cleaner, all of this far more scary than any of my teenage adventures.

(I’m including the time I almost got hit by a tram and didn’t remember it, and the summer of 2010, and losing my phone at Sziget – in retrospect, I was so very safe. I will always feel at home when I listen to Pulp. I will always feel better without responsibilities, but with enough time to read T. Mann and write “pieces of literature”. I might have chosen the wrong path of study but at least they’re paying me money; apparently there is a price of growing up, a price which could described as losing your freedom while becoming entirely responsible for your own life.)

(Now I won’t lie, there are days when I want to run away, and I have always assumed everyone felt this way, but apparently not. Still, there is a reason why people smoke. There is a reason for murder and terrorism and while I think “radicalisation studies” is the messiest academic field of them all, most of these atrocities could be traced back to the fact that – all unhappy families may be different, but happiness isn’t simple. We choose it, we lose it, our dreams come true and we don’t want them any more, we have what other people don’t have and we want to have what they do. We hurt other people as a system and there is one true answer – socialism – hidden in some sort of a video game labyrinth with endless side quests, or however these things are called. Each person is responsible for herself, and in the end we just want to minimise this pointless suffering directed at us. We fail, as the manuals are shitty and/or discredited; see: The Bible, neoliberalism. And then there are, people-caused, bombings and hunger we learn to ignore in order to stay sane, until they hit us personally. Few things feel as good as running away from problems.)

See you later, probably after my deadlines, when I will be, once again, as always, a Stranger in a Strange Land (minus the libertarianism) –

AT

 

My not so secret diary, aged 20 1/4

Two days since parents and brother flew back to Europe. Friends in Europe more or less panicky about the prospects of war. Putin on Buzzfeed. I bought trackpants and I’m planning to go to gym for the first time in my life – I never had to, but if I have a chance to develop some actual upper body strength for free, then why not.

Was so tired and brainless yesterday, barely survived through the day. Horrible smalltalk at the cafeteria with some people I have never met before and now they probably don’t want to ever meet me again. Wanted to watch another House of Cards episode, but I have to wake up tomorrow at 7; oh well. Whistling to Happy Mondays. Made my eyebrows a bit thinner. Looking sophisticated.

Roommate came in and I didn’t hear her because of Happy Mondays. A good band. “You used to speak the truth, but now you’re clever”.

I’d like to be in a relationship, kind of, but then I am too lazy to do anything about this. Hate meeting new people recently. Just too much small talk, all the time. Exhausting. Also, I’m missing lots of concerts; maybe now it’s finally the time to do something about it and create a Facebook post with all the concerts, so I will find someone to go with me. Already missing the Glasvegas concert which is happening right now. Sold out anyway. And I have to wake up at 7am tomorrow.

Considering smoking a cigarette on the emergency stairway. But maybe I can be productive without this. Just play the right music. Radiohead?

PS This post is not as Adrian Mole-ish as I would like it to be, but hey, it’s not an actual secret diary, and I’m not a teenager anymore